Adventures

I never actually wanted to be a business owner. I've joked for years that if I'd thought about it at all, I never would have done it. I have had what one could call a circuitous route to where I am today. Here is a very short list of things I've done since I graduated college that aren't digital marketing: 

• Reporter
• After school teacher
• Regular teacher (in 3 different schools in 3 years)
• Daycare teacher
• Ecommerce manager
• Daytime operations manager
• Research Associate
• Media Researcher
• Account Executive
• Senior Account Executive
• Account Supervisor
• HR assistant
• Supervisor (Spirit Halloween)
• Retail Associate 
• Doll Salon Lead
• Catsitter
• Eldercare

Did I miss any? Probably. 

The fact of the matter is, I've been down this road before. With this many twists and turns, it's obvious there's been a few dead ends before. I've been fired, passed over, pushed out, exhausted. In my better moments, I can see this as just another adventure. Each of those jobs, whether lifesaving good (baseball stadium) or God-awful (most of them, including baseball stadium), have taught me something about myself. 

This is obviously the lowest low. By all metrics, my business has actually been fairly successful in the past five years. And yet, I have no money. Actually, negative money. It's hard to not allow that to define you as a person.

The thing is, when I moved to Maryland, I was hoping to get away from being defined by my job. When you're a teacher, all you've ever wanted to be is a teacher, and it's very much encouraged to make that your Entire Thing. When I burned out spectacularly from that, I threw myself into much less "prestigious" jobs with the same amount of effort I used to barely keep my head above the water as a teacher. It made me very popular with bosses, but very burned out and heartbroken when those jobs didn't become what I wanted them to. Plus, when my grandmother turned 90, I realized I'd hardly seen her in years because I was always always always working. 

So I didn't want--and don't want--to be defined by what I do. I want to be defined by how I make people feel. And my friends' responses to my announcement of my impending bankruptcy has shown that I have succeeded. And yet, it's hard to feel like I haven't failed in some major way.

All of this to say, I have some fairly random interviews coming up. And I am mildly excited about most of them. But I am already mourning the loss of my ability to drop everything to be there for my family and friends. 

And that is just another reason why this all sucks.