Recently, I finally sat down and added up all my debt, both personal and business, and came clean to my parents. The number is so large it makes me nauseous. I think it made them nauseous as well, but they quickly sprang into action, and have presented me with different options. I will write more about the at some point. Suffice it to say they all suck, like, a lot.
But worse than any payment plan or credit score is the shame I feel. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to hide in a metaphorical hole of shame (or an actual hole, somewhere Amazon doesn’t deliver). It’s extremely tempting to just slowly fade away. How can I continue to be in polite society? How can I support my cats? How can I think about a human family?
But I know that I am not the only person for whom this has happened, and I know my village is amazing. Since I sent out a version of this note to many of my friends, I've received wave after wave of support. My parents have been beyond amazing, just truly so supportive. Even though they're mad and want to know why I didn't tell them sooner, they are clear that we are a team. They've been so kind, it makes me feel worse.
I know I am not evil.
So, to avoid dying of shame, I am trying to be transparent. I've spent 5 years doing social and digital media management. It's long been my creative outlet. So I am going to experiment with making this process as public as the knot in my chest will allow. Even if no one reads it, it's probably good for me.
But worse than any payment plan or credit score is the shame I feel. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to hide in a metaphorical hole of shame (or an actual hole, somewhere Amazon doesn’t deliver). It’s extremely tempting to just slowly fade away. How can I continue to be in polite society? How can I support my cats? How can I think about a human family?
But I know that I am not the only person for whom this has happened, and I know my village is amazing. Since I sent out a version of this note to many of my friends, I've received wave after wave of support. My parents have been beyond amazing, just truly so supportive. Even though they're mad and want to know why I didn't tell them sooner, they are clear that we are a team. They've been so kind, it makes me feel worse.
I know I am not evil.
So, to avoid dying of shame, I am trying to be transparent. I've spent 5 years doing social and digital media management. It's long been my creative outlet. So I am going to experiment with making this process as public as the knot in my chest will allow. Even if no one reads it, it's probably good for me.
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